


His Last WOW

by Neomeris



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, Episode: s03e03 His Last Vow, Gen, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-24
Updated: 2014-02-24
Packaged: 2018-01-13 15:27:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1231591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neomeris/pseuds/Neomeris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A crackish alternative script of the last episode of season three to soothe the many ruffled feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Last WOW

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [ЕГО ПОСЛЕДНИЙ ОБЕД](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/37525) by Nothing-Happens-to-Me. 



> I adored this little ficlet and decided to share its brilliance with those who don't speak Russian. It's way too late but that's entirely my fault.

HIS LAST WOW

Sherlock alternative script

 

The Great Committee: Your ID information, please...

Magnussen: Charles Augustus Magnussen, but it is all irrelevant, my veritably excellent memory is the most important thing…

 

* * *

 

Magnussen: This perfume is Claire de la Lune. Have you all taken notice of it?

The Viewers: No.

Magnussen: *licks Lady Smallwood's face* And now?

The Viewers: YEAH!!!

 

* * *

 

John (asleep in bed, with his wife): Sherlock! Sherlock! I wanna come back to you! Shelock! Take me back!

Mary: Somebody's knocking...

The Neighbour: My son and the drugs. That is our problem today.

John: Well, it is apropos. However if you need Sherlock Holmes...

Mary: If you need Sherlock Holmes, it doesn't mean that everybody needs him as well.

John: I'll take the crowbar.

Mary: Why?

John: Might be fun.

Mary: I am going with you then.

 

* * *

 

THE DRUG'S DEN

 

John has fun.

 

Sherlock: Hello, John.

John: Why am I not really surprised?

Sherlock: Actually, I'm working undercover, but I’m so glad to see you again…

Mary: Both of you! In the car, now!

 

* * *

 

THE LAB

 

Molly: Sherlock, that is awful, your urine does not meet the standard. Slap! Slap! Slap!

Sherlock (rubbing his cheeks): To such an extent?

The Junkie from the Den: All we need is Deduction!

 

* * *

 

THE CAB

 

Sherlock: Ooops, we are almost alone...

John: Asshole, you just have no money for the cab…

 

* * *

 

BAKER STREET

 

John: Wait I don't get it, where's my armchair?

Sherlock: Well I got rid of it because it was blocking my view to the kitchen, though I did it because it was reminding me of my _loneliness_. Clearly.

John: I am pouting.

Mycroft: Magnussen is none of your business, Sherlock!

Sherlock (pins Mycroft to the doorjamb): And now?

Mycroft: And now Holmеscest becomes more realistic than Johnlock. Deal with it, John!

John: Stop it immediatly!

Sherlock: I’m going to take a shower. John, I am sure you will want to take a look in my bedroom.

John: What's there?

Janine: I am!

John: What the fuck?

Janine: Don't be silly, you see, I'm wearing Sherl's shirt.

John: Sherl?!! I'm gonna blow up!

Janine: I guess I'd better hide in the bathroom.

John: They're shagging in there...

The Viewers: ARE THEY SHAGGING IN THERE?!!

Sherlock: I'm normal.

Janine: He is.

John: Can't believe it...

Sherlock: Ooh - la - la, you're jealous.

John: What about Magnussen?

Magnussen: I'm fine, but I just wanna pee. How far is the pissoir?

Guard: Through the kitchen and down the hall, on the left.

Magnussen: Too far. I can't make it. *doesn't make it*

The Viewers: THE HEARTH!!!

 

* * *

 

THE BUISNESS-CENTRE

 

Sherlock: I think it is time to remember the canon. ACD's Sherlock Holmes was engaged to Milverton's maid, so I've decided to do the same.

John: Is that a ring?!!

Sherlock: Bite me, John!

John: *suffers*

Sherlock: Oh, come on, it's just a little hoax to solve a very big crime.

John: You are an idiot! I nearly lost my mind!

Sherlock: Unlike you, I wouldn't marry just to prove something to the world!

 

* * *

 

MAGNUSSEN'S OFFICE

 

Sherlock: What's that smell? Claire de la Lune?

John: It's Mary!

Sherlock: No, it’s not!

Magnussen: Idiot.

Mary: You don't say.

Sherlock: That's unexpected.

The Viewers: *facepalm*

Mary: Sherlock, I’m really sorry, but I'm gonna to shoot you.

Sherlock: What about not?

Mary: Three's a crowd! Bang-Bang!

 

* * *

 

MIND PALACE

 

Sherlock: She killed me!

Molly, Mycroft, and Anderson (together): Not yet!

Moriarty: Memento Johnny...

Sherlock: Right. Wrong day to die! *fights*

 

* * *

 

HOSPITAL

 

John: Oh he's dying!!!

Mary: Is he dead?

John: Nope.

Mary: What a shame!

 

* * *

 

THE ICU

 

Janine: Now everybody will know that we didn't shag.

The Viewers: Phew!

Janine: But at the other hand… a cottage, bees, Sussex...

The Viewers: Oh no!

Sherlock: John... John... *runs away from the hospital*

 

* * *

 

BAKER STREET

 

John: Sherlock, where the hell are you hiding and why did you put my armchair back?

Lestrade: Another question: who is the most important man for Sherlock Holmes?

John: Absolutely no idea.

The Viewers: ERM?..

John: What is this - Claire de la Lune? OMFG, it’s elementary, it was Mary!

 

* * *

 

THE EMPTY HOUSE

 

Mary: Truth to be told, I'm an extremely ruthless woman.

Sherlock: It’s cool. I’m going to send your photo to Lestrade.

Mary: I'm not sure that can save your motherfucking life.

Sherlock: I bet you can't shoot a coin!

Mary: Looser!

John (mimics): How could you?

Mary (mimics): Forgive me, love, but it just happened!

 

* * *

 

CHRISTMAS. HOLMES' COTTAGE

 

Mycroft: It's boring here, what about you pinning me to the wall again?

Sherlock: Perhaps we'd better go out for a smoke?

Mummybatch: I swear I'll kill whoever shot my sweet little boy.

Mary: *whistles innocently*

John: *enters meaningfully*

 

* * *

 

THE EMPTY HOUSE

 

Sherlock: Both of you! To Baker Street, now!

 

* * *

 

BAKER STREET

 

John: Home, sweet home.

Sherlock: John, I'm so sorry, but we will have to forgive her.

John: Why the hell?

Sherlock: Because you always fall in love with sociopaths. With me by the way. Hello…

John: Damn, you are right.

Sherlock: Besides, how would we get rid of her now she's pregnant?

John: I have a complaint for the screenwriters! Was it so hard to introduce a condom in the plot?

Sherlock: I kinda feel sick, Mrs Hudson, give my some morphine...

Mrs Hudson: I used to be a stripper, not a drug dealer.

Mary: And I used to be a hired assassin. Here's the USB memory stick with all my adventures on it. Should we publish it?

Sherlock: Over my cold corpse.

 

* * *

 

CHRISTMAS. HOLMES' COTTAGE

 

John: According to the script, I don't care how many people you've killed in your past.

The Viewers: JOHN??!!

John: And it seems my duty to make sure you will not kill anybody in your future...

The Viewers: _John_...

John: So house arrest, hard work and rigorous discipline.

Mary: Aw, you're so sweet!

John: If only I had a choice…

Mary: *falls asleep*

John: Why the hell is everybody sleeping?

Sherlock: It's an experiment! Wanna go for a ride on a helicopter?

John: What about Christmas dinner?

Sherlock: We'll be back before the first course.

 

* * *

 

APPLEDORE

 

Magnussen: I don't have any basements; I have only a head that could be very conveniently shot with the gun that my guardsmen didn't even look for in Doctor Watson's pocket.

Sherlock: Do you mean I stole Mycroft’s laptop for nothing?

Magnussen: Well, it's not the only stupid thing you've done in the third season.

John: I don't understand.

Magnussen: That's not news.

John: I still don't understand.

Magnussen: What if I flip you on the face? *flips*

John: Sherlock, do something.

Sherlock: Not yet, we need to wait for witnesses.

The Capture Team: Hands in the air!

Sherlock: A bullet instead of a brain! Bang-bang!

Magnussen: Am I dying? So soon? That's a surprise! *falls*

Sherlock: John, I am sorry, have dinner without me. Tell Mary to enjoy her meal!

Mycroft (in the helicopter): Sherlock, you are such a baby!

 

* * *

 

THE AIRPORT LANDING STRIP

 

Mary: I promise I'll do everything for John not to miss you.

Sherlock: I have no doubt you will, but now leave us alone.

John: The weather is very nice today.

Sherlock: Yeah, I don't know what to talk about either.

John: Where will you come back?

Sherlock: ~~God~~ Mycroft knows… consequently we might never meet again. John, there is something I should say... I've meant to say, always, and I never have... I might just as well say it now...

John: What?

The Viewers: WHAT??!!

Sherlock: To say the truth, I'm a woman.

John: Stop it, I'm still married to Mary.

Sherlock: Ok, but it was worth a try.

John: Alas, no kisses!

Sherlock: Friends?

John: Well… friends.

 

* * *

 

Moriarty: Sherlock, I'm definitely your saviour in this episode.

The Viewers: We understand nothing.

 

* * *

 

Sherlock (in the aeroplane): WOW! I’m going hooome!

 

* * *

 

Mary: Hey, WTF, why is the plane turning back?

John: THE WIND HAS CHANGED!!!


End file.
